How Women React to Men: Female Characters - Things to Remember
Gents, in this series I’ve been providing non-judgemental tips and tricks to ensure your female characters score highly on depth and integrity. After all, we see plenty of examples of terrible descriptions and damaging tropes, but very few practical lessons on how to avoid them. So, in this series I’ve been pointing out important things to consider, and suggesting ways in which you can twist a perspective here, an angle there, and add a lot more meaning to your fictional women.
In this article I’m going to be looking at the subject of how women view men, the things we notice and the thoughts we have but don’t necessarily verbalise. If you’re writing from a female perspective you may struggle to inject these realistic focal points. This is totally understandable… and fixable.
Now obviously every woman is different and will pick up on different things, so it’s important to not use this as an exhaustive list. Search around. Look at some forums. Like I did. I mean, I know what I notice but I don’t know if other women notice those things too so I looked into it. Research is key.
The important thing to remember is that your female MC won’t necessarily assess a male character in the same way that a male MC would assess a female character. You’ve got to get out of the male mindset and into the female mind. And given the pervasive nature of our patriarchal society… blah blah… that can be very difficult.
So where do we start?
Personal hygiene
Your female MC is likely to notice certain things immediately:
Has he washed?
Are his fingernails long or dirty or bitten?
Has he shaved?
Are there stains on his clothes?
Is he dressed well, or wearing something that prioritises utility and comfort over style?
Obviously going through these observations in a list won’t work, but tying these things into micro-descriptions will make all the difference.
Instead of: he picked up his knife and fork. “I’ve wanted to talk…”:
He picked up his knife and fork. His nails were bitten to the quick and full of grime. “I’ve wanted to talk to you for a long time…”
Perhaps your male character is a man of action and his nails are a practical upshot of his way of life. It doesn’t matter. She will probably notice this detail.
Instead of: “he reached into his pocket and pulled out a phone…”:
He reached into the pocket of his worn, baggy cargo shorts and produced a phone. “Let me just make a call…”
It doesn’t matter if she approves or disapproves or has no feelings whatsoever about his choice of clothing, she will notice, so layer in the observations.
Sweat and body odour is a big indicator of personal hygiene. If your male character is sweating and doesn’t take the time to wash or change shirt… but wipes his sweaty face with the t-shirt he’s wearing and continues to wear it, your female character should notice this. She may not say anything out loud, but her internal monologue will be going crazy. And not in a good way. That masculine musk? Not as sexy as you might have been led to believe.
If it’s contextual, i.e. the result of physical activity, then it’s fine. But if after said activity a shower or a change doesn’t occur then that would be noted.
Where are his eyes?
Yes, your female MC will notice if he’s staring at her boobs, but she will also notice if he’s staring everywhere else as well. When she’s talking, is he even paying attention? Is he looking at his phone? If a man is not listening but is merely waiting for his opportunity to speak, women notice that, and so should your MC.
What he says
Passing comments and turns of phrase matter. What might not register in a male radar is a red flag for many women. When he uses gendered euphemisms as insults, she will notice that. “Don’t be such a pussy”, “grow some balls”, “that’s a bitch move”, “take it like a man”, “don’t be such a girl”; these choices in phrasing reveal subconscious or even outright sexism. If your male character is saying these things and your female character is swooning… and you’re not writing a fantasy book for men… you might want to edit his dialogue.
Is he saying too much? That’s a big one. Women notice it irl and female characters also put up with it. If your male character is monologuing or hogging the dialogue; if he’s dictating the adventure and she’s expected to play along without having the opportunity to actively agree or even express whether or not she wants to be there; if he’s taking control of a situation that she is quite capable of handling herself, this should piss her off.
Nothing will add integrity to your female character like having to forcefully inject her opinion or thoughts or expertise in a matter over a male character’s dialogue.
Don’t fail DeConnick’s Sexy Lamp test. If all she’s doing is listening to and agreeing with the male character, and she never actually does anything, she could be replaced by a sexy lamp. I’ve seen female MCs written this way. We hear her thoughts to a point but as soon as a male supporting character enters the room, she listens, she agrees, she follows. Or listens, agrees and stays behind to pine after him… mournfully illuminating a room that he is not in.
Fuck. That.
Have her question his assumptions. Let her point out flaws in his master plan. Make her shrewd in her vocalised and/or internal observations. Make her calculating. It’s far more realistic, believe me. And if he does leave her behind, give her the dignity of being angry about it.
Body language
Respecting personal space is a big clue to assessing a male presence. Is he taking up more room than he needs to at the expense of the people around him? Is he standing uncomfortably close to another female character? Proximity is a warning-sign, so knit that into your descriptions.
Manspreading is a great example. If a guy is sitting next to a woman or opposite her and his legs are spread unnecessarily wide, she will notice this. And she won’t be impressed. Trust me. Crucially, when a man isn’t manspreading that will be noted as a good thing. Body language says a lot. If you’re writing from a female perspective and you want to illustrate immediately from her point of view that one guy’s an asshole and the other is acceptable, have the asshole sit with his legs spread so wide the woman in the seat next to him has to sit sideways. I’ve seen this irl. It’s gross. And guys never do it to other guys, it’s always women, so it’s always on purpose.
The fact is, your female MC should be picking up on physical signs that give away his attitude towards others, as well as herself. And women are always doing this, observing and processing.
Strategic niceness
Sometimes the only way to get a guy to shut up is to agree with him until you can find an exit. Throwing your female MC into an interaction with a male character who is stuck on transmit, while providing the reader with her thoughts and banal reactions, will be incredibly realistic. And obviously it’s a great opportunity for a side character to reveal important information that can drive the narrative forward.
“So of course I was the fastest and I outstripped him by a mile,” he said, spreading his legs to a degree that would impress an olympic gymnast. “I told him that the trick to running is to keep your eyes on the finish line…”
“Mmmhmm,” Juliet said, scanning the room for any sign of her flatmate.
“I’ve been training for years. Picture that finish line. It’s the secret to success in all fields. It’s why I do so well in my career. It’s how I landed my promotion.”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
When women are agreeing with men, there is always an internal thought stream. Even if she genuinely agrees with what he’s saying, she will be internally questioning, doubting, or observing tiny details about his demeanour throughout the conversation. Don’t leave these out, they’re a great opportunity for character development.
The company he keeps
If there’s a group of male characters who are friends and they’re all assholes except for your main guy, and she sees him as a separate entity, this is wholly unrealistic. Your female MC should notice if your male character is hanging around with and accepting the presence of unpleasant people, and it shouldn’t reflect well on him.
If he really is a good person, and she believes that he is, and then she meets his friends and they’re all horrendous, her view of him should plummet faster than a lead balloon. It displays weakness of character. She knows from that, that he’s willing to turn a blind eye to unacceptable behaviour and that’s as bad as being an active participant.
Women talk
Don’t forget that women talk to each other. If your book contains more than one female character - which it probably should - it’s unrealistic to think they wouldn’t talk or share insights. Now ideally they would converse about something other than the male character/s in your story (thus passing the Bechdel Test), but if not they would certainly exchange notes. These don’t have to be overt and they don’t have to be romantic in tone either:
“Watch out for Roy, he’s hurt women before.”
“Watch out for Roy, he threw Louise under the bus and took that promotion, he’ll do the same to you.”
“Roy’s alright, but his friends are the worst.”
“Roy’s lovely, but I’ve never seen him in anything but cargo shorts.”
“Roy had a rough time with his family. Now he struggles to connect.”
“I’m really pleased you and Roy are hitting it off. He’s one of the good ones.”
Your female MC doesn’t have to raise any of these comments with Roy, but they might play on her mind while she interacts with him or observes him. And it’s important that these conversations aren’t necessarily framed as “woman X turning female MC against Roy [insert wicked cackle]”, because women have each other’s backs.
It’s uncomfortable for many men to think about women talking about them when they’re not around, but believe me it happens. Your female MC should be soaking up information like a sponge. His hygiene, his body language, his friends, and what others say about him.
This is not obsessive, it’s a natural part of life. It’s noticing details that men don’t necessarily pick up on. Weave these things into her world view for a simple and effective solution.
Risk assessment
Now I have to touch on the reason for all this hyper-awareness and it’s not going to be fun. It’s all about risk assessment. Most of what’s been covered above can fall under the umbrella of deciding whether or not a guy is safe to be around. Take it from a woman, the scariest guys blend in, and red flags can be camouflaged.
Your story might not involve dangerous male characters at all, but your female MC won’t know that. She’s not a mind reader. And every guy is a potential threat, so she is likely to be noticing all of these things anyway.
Sad to say, it’s second nature and your female MC is likely to have internalised these practices.
Vigilance
Here’s a cheat sheet for observations about exterior environments:
When she walks down the street she is likely to naturally and subconsciously notice a group of men talking up ahead.
She is likely to notice a deserted, poorly lit street and probably choose another route.
She is likely to be aware of what’s going on around her, throwing glances behind semi-regularly.
She is likely to see the man standing by the road supposedly on his phone but not necessarily trust that he’s on his phone.
She might notice if there’s a transit van parked up ahead with a man in the driver's seat, what he’s wearing and whether he looks plausible as the kind of man who would need that kind of vehicle, or if he looks like he’s hired it for the purpose of throwing women in the back and driving away fast.
She is not likely to walk across the park after dark, or down by a canal, or cut through the back alleys without being hyper aware of the fact that she’s taking a risk.
When she’s out at a bar she is likely to be:
Watching her drink (e.g. ordering a beer in a bottle so she can put her finger over the top while she’s not drinking from it).
Aware of men standing too close.
Checking the exits (e.g. if there are two doors into the bar and things get weird and he leaves through one she might choose to leave through the other, or slip out while he’s not looking).
If she’s in the company of other women, they are likely to be watching out for each other. The vigilance will be multiplied and shared, meaning she will be able to:
Relax.
Be more confident.
Perhaps call men out when they stand too close or behave in a threatening or arrogant way (e.g. placing hands on her or simply not noticing her and almost causing physical harm).
Compromised vigilance
There are things that can get in the way of being vigilant:
Alcohol can be a big factor. If she’s drinking she’s likely to relax, becoming more flirty OR aggressive. Women filter and manage their reactions every day. When drunk a woman might fail to filter, and that can come across as unusual aggression. Spoiler alert - she’s probably that pissed off all the time, she’s just sober enough to keep a lid on it. If your female character’s internal monologue is full of sarcasm and snide remarks, having these thoughts vocalised when she’s drunk could be a fun way to pivot a relationship.
Anxiety and stress can compromise her ability to stay vigilant, and this could make her more defensive/prickly by default. Imagine having something filling up your mind, and suddenly needing to deploy a bunch of social tactics just to stay safe because an unknown guy decides he wants to talk to you. You’d probably snap too. So maybe your male character approaches at the worst possible time. Does he respectfully back off? Or does he call her a bitch and add to her anxiety by becoming a further threat? These social circumstances make up the waters your female character might be navigating on a daily basis. It could be a side interaction before your supporting character turns up. And if it is, it’s typical.
If she’s in the company of a man who reveals himself to be dangerous, she is likely to become hyper aware of her surroundings:
How many people are nearby?
If they’re in the street, are there any shops she can go into?
If she’s in a residential area, are there any front doors she could knock on to ask for help (e.g. lights on in windows etc.)?
If she’s in a pub or club and she goes to the bathroom would anyone notice if he followed her? Is anyone in the vicinity even likely to care?
Is it dark outside?
What are the transport options?
On a date
If she’s on a date she is very likely to have shared her plans with a friend, if not also activated “share location” on her phone so her friend can keep an eye on her. This is now a built-in feature on Tinder because they found out that 50% of users were sharing their plans ahead of their dates… and it’s pretty obvious which 50% that was.
She is likely to have a friend and be messaging that friend to tell them she’s alright/exchanging notes in a comical way that may or may not be flattering to the male character.
“Does he look like his picture?”
“He might have ten years ago!”
This is funny, but the subtext is, “If I go missing, tell the police he’s older than he looks on his profile.”
Sorry to say, this is the world women live in. If you’re writing about this world or a world with a similar patriarchal structure, it’s the world your female MC lives in too. Scatter these observations throughout her micro-descriptions and observational passages and you’ll be well on your way to portraying a believable woman.
Conclusion
Always remember your female MC will view things differently to a male MC and yourself. Shelve what you think you know about how people see the world, because your experiences will be intrinsically different to hers. This doesn’t mean you can’t write female characters, it just means you need to be mindful of that fact.
Despite the above, women still date and love men. Women still live lives and walk around in public places and function. We just do it with a level of awareness that most men don’t have to worry about.
So think about it. Occupy that headspace. And write.